


Verbal Fisticuffs (Do The Rappy Thing)

by rezi



Series: EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HOMESTUCK [7]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Gen, rap battle
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-20
Updated: 2014-02-20
Packaged: 2018-01-13 04:17:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 655
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1212391
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rezi/pseuds/rezi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Suggested by AlphaStarr: "I'd like to submit a request for Jake vs. John, in the lines of having beta versions exchange quips with alpha versions."</p><p>WHO WON?<br/>WHO'S NEXT?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Verbal Fisticuffs (Do The Rappy Thing)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [AlphaStarr](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlphaStarr/gifts).



JOHN EGBERT  
VS  
JAKE ENGLISH  
BEGIN!  


heir of breath stepping up to blow you away!  
first things first, i would just like to say:  
though you look like me, i do the look better.   
you act like a hero, a real go-getter  
but i lead as a friend,   
which should be a trend-setter!  
i do what is needed, right down to the letter.  
while you don't seem to do much at all!  
except being a douche to your friends when they call.  
even my taste in movies is better than yours!  
you'd be enthralled by a blank screen on pause.  
or a scratched dvd, skipping and stalling  
playing as well as your half-assed brawling!  
yeah, i could beat you in a scrum by kilometers.  
you're post-scratch, all scratched up - you could learn from us betas!  
you can't ignore all the raw awe i'm putting before you.  
i'm sure i'll guffaw at whatever you've got for me.  
think you can take me?  
then lay down the law!

Im sorry my good chum but your tone irks me!  
You betas are good sure. But how would the reworks be?  
Like weekend at bernies beaten by wab 2  
Were the sequel to your crew  
Fresh remade and new!  
Your session does sound like an awful snore.  
You only had one day.  
Weve had five months and more!  
Walloping skeletons! Plundering tombs!  
Dispelling deaths gloom from treasure-filled rooms...  
Even before the game i lived up to my name.  
Im named for a demon and im doing him no shame  
Because as you can tell im rhyming hot as hell!  
And the way i present youd think im heaven sent.  
Youll soon find your own performance makes a descent!  
Im a carefree explorer and a damn good gent.  
You have powers sure.  
But what do you do?  
Act like a vent?!  
Im a swashbuckler straight out of a comic strip.  
Having real life adventures while you sat on a ship.  
Nothing exciting bout a three year trip!  
Over to you buddy.  
Can you match my quip?

yeah, sure i can beat you! it'll be a breeze.  
far, far easier than adventure on the seas  
or jungle exploring, you can't see wood for the trees!  
or that tomb raiding stuff, or whatever you please...  
what i'm saying is, i can do this with ease.  
while you? as you'd say, not really the bee's knees.  
you have all sorts of adventures, you say?  
yeah, didn't you just sit in your room all day?  
i guess i did too. but i grew up quick!  
my best talent used to be a card trick  
but with all my power, i can turn into air  
and escape like the wind - jack noir beware!!!  
yes, i fought head-on with the sovereign slayer!  
plus i can time travel without being a time player!  
i'm fast as a hurricane, and that's how i've rapped.  
there's no backing out for you now, you're trapped!  
you gonna fight back so we can get this shit wrapped?  
or just run like a coward with your pants crapped????

Excuse me! Youre talking about running away??!  
You turn into wind! From the battle you stray!  
A gentleman adventurer knows always to stay  
And tackle the opponent theyve committed to slay!  
Sir your cowardice is not fair play.  
Im surprised you could face me in this battle today!  
While i stand strong against you unswayed.  
So ill finish you off here without delay  
And put back in place your awful display.  
Youve never dealt with real high stakes.  
The biggest threat in your home was cakes!  
I had huge dragons... monster crabs... giant snakes...  
Who would gladly have turned me into steaks!  
So you see old chap i DO have what it takes  
To be truly adventuresome for goodness sakes!  
So i say to you buddy now ive shown you how  
to rap right... I ask you:  
WHOS BADASS NOW????

WHO WON?  
WHO'S NEXT?

**Author's Note:**

> *fondly regards own punctuality* *fails, because you can't fondly regard something that doesn't exist*
> 
> Ah well, better late than never. AlphaStarr, if you're still actually on AO3, hope you like it!
> 
> Next is mitspeiler's request of Jake vs. Caliborn, which WILL be hilariously awful. And hopefully I'll actually take under half a year to do this one.
> 
> Leave requests in the comments! And I will do them, even if it does take some time...


End file.
